Depressed, but not Ashamed

Yeah, I had one of those days…

I am fine. I am great. I am spectacular. NOT. I hide my internal struggles from the world around and wish I could be as others were; without this mask and without this pain. My pain is unseen, suffocating and consuming; each and every day making its way to my heart. Curled up in bed, dazed, filled with nothing but a void, I sit in silence waiting for my last breath.
I live. I laugh. I write and sing. The mask back on, and I wonder what joys the new day will bring. It never does though. Another day passes by, as I try to fight the numbness within. For I do not want your pity, I cry quietly in a corner. “Don’t let them see you pain” “Never show them how much of a wimp you really are” I tell myself.
Outside lives a girl with a smile to put you at ease, yet today I talked myself off the ledge of life. I was ready to give up.
Of course I am not fine.
Of course I am not great.
Spectacular? Not today.
As much as I cannot bear to live like this, I cling to dear life; living my grim fairy tale, trying to live with the coexistence of my pain and hope.

Yeah, I had one of those days…

I don’t know if you have felt it before; I know I have, more times than I would wish to admit. Not the feeling of calling in sick after a hangover, naaah, we all have been there and done that. But when we feel utterly alone in our struggles and that no one can truly understand what you are going through.
The written word has always been my greatest form of solace, so I write. I write these words so maybe my story will one day resonate with someone else, remind them that they not need to struggle alone. Sometimes EVERY DAY is a fight but it does help some knowing that others have similar experiences too.

That is just the beginning.

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