I like meeting boys, I love it. Going on dates, the flirting, them random texts and calls just to tell you the sweet nothings. The day dreaming, the late night phone calls and the looking at your phone every 5 minutes wishing he would call. The silly pet names and the waking up next to each other and the cuddling – I love it all. I know none of all these come close to what a real relationship is and that is why I must say, with him it felt different.
I fell, I fell hard for him. The type of crazy infatuation when you think he’s the one.
Once upon a time we met, he was awesome and I had never quite felt like this before with anyone. There was something nice about him. He opened doors for me, the first man to ever get me flowers. He told me stories. I got to go on adventures and saw the world through his words. I enjoyed being in his company, he made me laugh – the perfect mix of intellectual sparring and fooling around. In the words of one Ms. Aretha this man made me feel like a (natural) woman. It has nothing to do with the sex (which was amah-zing), but I can’t quite put a finger on it. When I was around him I did feel a bit like this spoilt little princess child – I constantly told him to stop treating me like he’s 4 year old niece – and in the same breath I felt a coming of age, like the 25 year old adult woman I am, with the world at her feet and not the dumb little girl the world I know has come to treat me as. He inspired me to be better, enlightened me on the ways of the world and made me look at things differently.
This story does not end with happily ever. The cosmos failed to align and he turned out not to be ‘the one’. But as a dreamer and ‘hopeful’ romantic, I’ll say he turned out not to be the one, just for now. I know, I am still in denial but hey, love takes time to heal. (I’m on a roll with them musical quotes, yo!). He did say he was not interested in a serious relationship so I should have believed him and been on my way. But we had soo much fun when we kicked it, so why not an ‘us’??
Which brings me to the reason I wrote this post.
Its fairly common occurrence to like someone and have the person not like you as much as you like them but this rejection unnerved me. I know what you are thinking, I am a grown arse woman with a positive outlook on life, so get off your sad behind and swim in the metaphoric sea that is filled with all them beautiful fishes. But unlike rejection in facets like your career – where you are passed over for someone who is more qualified, dating is not about your skill set. Dating is an ‘interview’ where YOU as a PERSON are being evaluated.
Rejection may happen to the best of us but let’s be real, it hurts. The worst part for me I guess was that this rejection drove me to feel lesser than myself. I automatically began blaming myself, assuming that there was something wrong with my personality and criticizing all the decisions I made. Was there something wrong with me? Was I too young, not intelligent, funny, beautiful, mature and kind enough? Maybe, just maybe if I had a degree, graduated from campus, had a job, maybe him and I could be an ‘us’. Maybe, just maybe, if I wore heels and caked my face with make-up and wore them figure hugging short dresses on a night out, may be him and I could be an ‘us’.
Embracing the Weirde
In retrospect, however difficult and painful rejection is, it is part of life. I will be okay and get through all the stages of rejection – the river in deNile (I make myself happy), the Must-be something-wrong-with-me-phase, the I-hate-you-phase and finally the moving on COZ I won’t feed into that ‘ITS NOT ME ITS YOU’ bull crap. I stopped questioning who I am and thinking that maybe if I acted as ‘normal’ as everyone else maybe life world grant me more opportunities, make me more likeable?? But I’m soo proud of the person I’m turning out to be, so heck no, no man or woman even if I may have wanted them to be ‘the one’, will keep me believing that I am not good enough or worthy enough. I remember how quirky and weird ‘me’ is amazing and think how the world would be boring place without it. My life too – I would not have anything to write, laugh and to learn about. So I learn how to embrace the weird even if it means countless forms of rejection in career, love, friendship. I embrace the weird and quirky that is me for I know that I am enough. I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am ME.